The moment that I can most poignantly remember being ashamed of my body was in middle school. According to the dress code, shorts had to be as long as your fingertips. It was summer and quite warm, so like most of my classmates, I was wearing shorts. I was fairly shy and modest, so my shorts were naturally an adequate length. I was siting on a bench near the front doors waiting on my bus to come, and I was approached by the secretary from the office. She informed me that my shorts were much too short and I shouldn't wear them to school again. I was lucky my mother hadn't been called over me showing so much leg.
My shorts were too short, but many of the other girls slipped by with wearing shorts that were obviously against the dress code. No amount of tugging or shoulder- shrugging could suggest otherwise. Their shorts were OK, but I shouldn't show my legs. I felt so embarrassed... my face turned violently hot and tears pricked my eyes. My shorts were too short... my legs should not be exposed.
I would like to say that this upset me for a bit and then I got over it- I would be lying. After that, I didn't wear shorts above my knees in public again until after I graduated high school. I did swim on the rec-league swim team until the summer after my sophomore year, but eventually I quit, one of the main reasons being that I was tired of being so fat and exposed, scurrying around with a towel wrapped around me, trying to fool anyone into thinking I had a smaller mass.
Now, I have two pairs of Levi denim shorts, both just above my fingertips. Whenever I go out in them, I seem to garner disapproving looks. For example, today I went to the mall with my hubby to search for appropriate work clothes. I didn't bother to wear makeup, and although my hair was obviously clean and brushed, I hadn't bothered to style it. In addition to my shorts, I wore one of my favorite tees- it's black, and has art from a Harley Quin comic book cover with her, Catwoman, and Poison Ivy.
While redeeming my coupon for free panties at Victoria's Secret, the salesgirl was friendly, but her eyes revealed perplexion. I suppose I'm not the typical VS shopper. I also noticed looks accompanied by hushed voices directed towards me from a few of the thinner, "trendier" girls. When in Walmart a few days ago I noticed the same thing from two other girls, one of which who seemed to be around my size... fat- stabbing, is what I like to call this behavior.
Fat-stabbing:verb- when girls who are perceived to be heavy verbally cut- down other heavy girls. "Ohh snap, that size 16 girl is showing her thighs. How nasty. " I guess this stems from personal insecurity, and wanting to reassure oneself that you're OK for covering up those thighs. "I'm covering my fat. I'm made up, and my hair is done. I'm compensating for my fatness." I used to have this mindset. And eventually, I decided that anyone who didn't like the way I looked could just get over it. I'm not lazy. I eat healthy things. I'm clean. And anyone assuming that I'm a slob just because I don't get dolled up to shop for polo shirts and khakis probably has some issues of their own.
If you want people to look at you,
just recreate this look. Also. I didn't
realize I was this tan. Cool.
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